Why I kept my cancer secret?

Yes I kept my cancer diagnosis secret from my family, my friends, my colleagues, and my clients. Yes I went through 18 month of treatment alone. Yes I start talking about my cancer when my doctor confirmed that I'm in remission. Why?

I told to only two persons, my closest friend here in Bangkok, and my mom-in-law in the U.S.A. I prepared envelops for them with all the instructions, the update of my health condition, my treatment protocol and all they need in case of an emergency.

My friend in Bangkok was strong enough – physically and mentally - to handle extreme situations, I was confident. My mom-in-law is a survivor herself and she was the perfect person to understand me and to refill me with hope, motivation and joy with her emails, letters and cards. Oh and I forget, the boxes full of comfort food. Love you S.F.

I'm sure I offended some of you with this decision, by keeping you out of trouble. Here is a short Explanation, you may understand my decision and forgive me.

How did I come up with this idea?

When I was first diagnosed, I was gutted; "Me? Cancer? It couldn't be”! I was strong, young, and immortal. Nothing that bad could happen to me! My brain froze and the only thought that popped into my head; “I don’t want to die”. I couldn’t think of anything else. All my brain could focus on the answer to “Why me?”. I eat healthy, I exercise regularly, and I have a clean lifestyle. What did I do to deserve this?

I dried my tears and I remembered my coaching classes where I learned how to deal with negative self-talk. It took me about half an hour to change my mindset and came to the conclusion: I’m not going to surrender this healthy (and by that time sexy) body that easily, and what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. So I decided to focus on what I’m going to learn from this experience to become stronger and constructive.

Arriving home, I was thinking of different options as to how to announce the news to my partner: In the living room or during dinner? Maybe in bed just before going to sleep? Or ask him out for dinner; maybe the reaction would be smoother if discussed in a nice restaurant?

And then I started thinking of how I was going to tell my family -- but I hated the thought of looking into their faces or calling them on the phone and telling them. Cancer runs in my Dad and Mom’s family and my 4 grandparents died of cancer. In my family we don't even pronounce the world "cancer", we say "Ms. X has The Disease".

How was I going to tell my clients? They pay me to make them healthier, to motivate them, to tell them eating healthy and exercising keep them away from the doctor. Isn’t it ironic that your health coach has cancer?

My biggest concern was how was I going to explain it to anyone while still attempting to grasp it myself. So I decided to take few days to accept and understand what that means myself before telling anyone else.

My partner returned home, I was in my office and I stood up, I greeted him and I started preparing dinner; and acted as if what had just happened was not part of my life.

How did the idea grow up?

As time went on looking for ways to announce The Disease, more I don’t see a reason to tell anyone but messing up their life. All throughout my grueling treatments and even though doctors warned me I might die; I decided to not share my health struggles. I could not stand the thought of having someone stare at me with thoughts of pity. I found out I was stronger by not sharing and by smiling more than I truly felt like doing inside.

Outcome from my silence

1. Helped me recover faster: Contrary to what you might think, my fake-it-till-you-make-it approach helped me recover faster. By not sharing my fight; I had to force myself to take care of my body and my soul every single day: “no shapeless, sweats, no sneakers, no bare face”! In true Parisian fashion, I always tried to look good. I forced myself to eat when I had no appetite so as not lose too much weight; to workout regularly to keep up my energy level; to get my 8 hours or more of sleep in order to not have a yellow sick looking face; to always show an overflow of vitality in which to remove any doubt in my clients’ minds.

2. Deal with deception and expectation: My silence meant that no one was sad around me because not sharing my fight meant I had no expectations whatsoever from my entourage. No expectations meant no deceptions.

3. Keep a normal life: But really, it was about maintaining control of my life. I just made no room for cancer. I did not want to know too much about it for fear that it would then become coupled with me as in ”Sophiene + C”. Not knowing means not letting the cancer take a larger place than it should have in my life. I refused to let it define me!

4. Find daily refuge from thinking about my cancer: During my sessions with my clients, I'm 100% focus on their challenges, actions and goals. It was a break, kind of selective mediation, of my brain to not think about my issues. I was looking forward the next client to get this brain a rest.

After all, every one was helpful by not knowing to keep me going, having a happy normal life and to prevent depression or anxiety.

While my reasoning may not make sense for everyone -- it was exactly what I needed. Now, I look back at that dark day of the diagnoses and I say that being privately sick was actually a gift.

The experience made me realize that I wanted to help other people live their healthiest lives, just as I was learning to live mine; so I created The Cancer Survivor Fitness Program* -- a free personalized fitness program to help survivors implement an exercise routine, a healthy diet, and adjust their lifestyle to deal with the after-treatment side effects, lower the risk of relapse, and maximize their life expectancy.

Cancer takes away nearly all control a person has over their life. It's important to give as much control back to the survivor as possible. Through exercise, a healthy diet, and lifestyle coaching; survivors can start controlling parts of their life and have energy and confidence to control the other parts.

My key takeaway from this story is: "By projecting happiness and strength, even when I was at the bottom of my despair pit, I attracted joy and energy." Think of this no matter what you're struggling with!

#FamilyFriends