My Cancer Diagnosis Anniversary Part 2: What cancer taught me?

The first part is about to help cancer patients' family and friends. The second part can help cancer patients as well as anyone who is going through high level of physical and/or mental pain. It's about the three most important lessons I have learned from that day, the day of diagnosis, until today.

My intention by writing this or any other blog is not to teach or inspire or move mountains… It’s simply to share my personal experience in case it can help.

Since my diagnosis, three years ago, I have learned so much that my life perspective has changed entirely. With no cancer support group available in Bangkok, as I was trying to cope with the mental and emotional side effects of my new diagnosis, I researched online to find tips and advice found many resources and support from an online support group for cancer survivors. Here are the three major findings that helped me a lot:

Be Present

Being present helped me discover my cancer earlier than later, and was one of the most valuable resources available to me when it came to mentally and emotionally coping throughout the entire process. It’s not easy to stay present, but I promise you it’s worth it. Your relationship with yourself and others will improve.

Often our minds are preoccupied with “Should have” or “What if” thoughts. The problem with having these sorts of thoughts is that it pulls time, energy and attention away from the present. Personally, I used to be a control freak. I’m used to stretching my imagination with over analyzation, thinking of multiple future scenarios by asking endless amounts of “What ifs”, and then developing a plan for every possible outcome. The entire past three years was something I did not plan for. If you want to talk to me about being agile and adapting to change, NOW I’ve got something to say and can walk the walk like it’s nobody’s business.

While I will continue to plan for every future scenario I can come up with (I can’t help it), I’ve learned to acknowledge that I will not have complete control over everything. I find peace in knowing that while I may not be able to plan “the how” of things, I can aim and plan towards a direction.

I told myself many times throughout all of this “I have no idea how the hell I’m going to make it through this one (“the how”), but I know that I’m going to make it through (“the direction”)”. While everything about this journey felt unfamiliar and new, I held on to the fact that I have told myself this a few times in my life. I found comfort in the familiarity of that feeling. Even in my lowest of low moments, the one thing I always felt confident in was my ability to figure things out. I always do.

Be vulnerable

Being diagnosed with cancer immediately put me in a vulnerable state. I had no choice but to surrender and trust in the process. This was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do. To put so much faith and trust in people I knew nothing about that could make or break me. As if being put in so many vulnerable situations wasn’t enough, I have decided to be completely comfortable with sharing my journey with friends, family, acquaintances and even strangers. And doing so has dramatically changed the way I communicate, connect, love, create and lead, and therefore build and manage relationships.

Being vulnerable also means showing love and accepting love. I think I used to push people away. Once upon a time, I thought that being strong was to not ask for help and not take that hand whenever it was offered. For as long as I can remember, I have always been this way. I don’t ask people for much at all. Over the past three years, I allowed myself to accept help, and it wasn’t easy. It still isn’t the easiest thing for me to do. Sometimes it had to be forced on me, but I accepted it. Eventually, I re-directed my energy to be less angry at the fact that I needed it, and more towards just being thankful for it.

Also, allow yourself to feel, even (and especially) when it’s anger, pain, sadness and frustration. It is very easy for those not fighting your battle to say things like “stay positive”, “be grateful”, “But…you look so healthy!” “You’ve been so active. Things must be great!” etc. They have no idea what’s going on. Allowing yourself to feel upset is as important as being happy that you’re alive. It’s part of the process. Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for being upset. I believe that supporters through this journey have good intentions, and are trying to find a way to cope with this as well and may have no clue how to do so in a way that is helpful. While you have the toughest journey to go through, know that it is also difficult for those around you as well, which can result in silly and inappropriate behavior. And trust me, I’ve experienced this kind of behavior. I just try to keep communication as open and healthy as possible, remind myself that intentions are (hopefully) good and that this is new to everyone, including myself.

Vulnerability is a crazy strong indicator of courage and strength. It’s about being fearless, confident and not letting your ego get in the way of growth.

Practice gratitude regularly

There were times within the last three years when I didn’t know how much longer I’d be around. While this is something we all (should) feel, it came really close and things lined up in a way that made me acknowledge it. There was a moment when I was sitting on my hospital bed, hooked up to an oxygen machine (that wasn’t making a difference in my breathing), being so scared to sleep because I didn’t know if I’d wake up and I thought to myself “Do I need to contact anyone? Is there anything I need to tell certain people?” The answer was mostly no. I couldn’t think of any major unfinished businesses I had to close up. Those, whom were meant to be in my life at that time, had found their way to me. They had expressed to me how they felt and I had done the same. Today, I can say that if I were to go tomorrow I would be ok with it. There are of course so many things I want to do, see, and experience, but I know that I’ve done a good job with what I have. Unfortunately, this is something not many people can say. And so, I encourage you to live and love fully.​

There have been times I’ve been so weak that I had to sit down to take a shower. I had difficulty doing simple tasks like reaching to the back of my kitchen cupboard to grab a glass. I became so frustrated at the fact that this cancer was robbing me of my independence. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve seen “organ failure” and “death” as potential drug side effects. All this is to say that for everything that has happened over the past three years, I can easily think of at least 10 things to celebrate. And I can still say without an ounce of hesitation that life is beautiful.

I know I will celebrate many more “cancerversaries”, and each year, I make sure that I’m a better person than the year previous. AND I strongly hope one day every person diagnosed will too.

Take care of yourself.

Part 1: My Cancer Diagnosis Anniversary Part 1: What I wish someone had told my family and friends that day

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