My Cancer Diagnosis Anniversary Part 1: What I wish someone had told my family and friends that day

There will forever be so many significant dates in my life, especially pertaining to my cancer experience. While I don’t hear a lot of people talk about their diagnosis date as being significant to them, it was for me (April 3, 2015). It was the day my life changed forever. I received the call that no one ever wants to get. I heard the words that 12.7 million people hear per year, "I'm sorry your biopsy tested positive for cancer. It's malignant." In that instant, and in the days and weeks that followed, I didn't know exactly what was going to happen. All of the doctors told me it would be a long year(s).

An anniversary is usually a celebration, and it may seem strange in this case. While cancer is something that I would not wish on even my worst enemies (if I had any), I confirm and I say it again “cancer gave me life”. There has been a lot of positive outcome in the last three years, and it still continues to be the case even now. As awful as they were clinically, I’ve come out with so much more than I ever had during my previous 40 years. I have shed many layers and grown new ones. I have helplessly fallen hard into very dark, deep, and lonely holes and have celebrated triumphant moments with many.

To celebrate this unique anniversary, in my way, I wrote this blog with two parts: The First part is about the three most pertinent pieces of advice that I wish someone had told my family and friends that day. I receive many more questions and calls from the families and friends of cancer patients than from the patients themselves. And the most common dilemma I hear is “I don’t know what to say or what to do to support!?” I hope this blog will help with this problem.

The second part is about the three most important lessons I have learned from that day, the day of diagnosis, until today. Understanding these lessons may help newly diagnosed patients cope with this life-changing experience, or anyone else going through a rough period in life.

My intention by writing this or any other blog is not to teach or inspire or move mountains… It’s simply to share my personal experience in case it can help.

Part 1: What I wish someone had told my family and friends that day

If someone you love has cancer, they probably won’t be completely open about what they’re going through because they’re trying so hard to be strong. However, if they could be truly honest and vulnerable, they would tell you what I wish I would have told my family and friends:

1. Remember they’re still the same person they were before, and your friendship is still your friendship. At first, it might be natural to feel a little awkward or you might feel unsure of the right thing to say or to do, but try to put those feelings aside. Instead, react spontaneously; don’t try to say or to do the perfect thing. Just be yourself - act as you always have – that will be the perfect thing to say or to do.

Try to find the right balance. Don’t make things feel forced or pressured, but bear in mind that their perspectives may have altered a little. Facing an illness like this means your friend is bound to reassess various elements of life. However, it’s likely that they’ll be spending so much time in the new territory of a medical environment, they will welcome your more light-hearted topics of discussion.

And please don’t remove yourself from their life for fear of doing the wrong thing. Cancer gets rid of plenty of things already, even if only temporarily, hair, confidence, the ability to look to the future worry-free, so don’t add yourself to the list. This is a time when your support is probably going to be appreciated the most, so never be afraid to show it.

2. Don’t wait on them to call you if they need anything. Please call every once in a while and set up a date and time to go over things. I know you always say to call if ever needed anything, but it’s weird asking others to spend time with me or to help me with things I used to be able to do. It makes feel weak and needy, and also there is always the fear of receiving “no” as an answer.

If you are able to help, offer. Saying, “If there is anything I can do please call” is great, but it’s better to be specific. Say, “I make a great Lasagna. Would you like me to bring it over tomorrow for lunch together?” Or “I have free time on Tuesday, do you need help cleaning the house?” This takes the pressure off the person to have to call and admit to themselves they’re having problems. It’s amazing how hard it is to ask for help.

Help break up their new routine. It’s productive to make plans, as well as showing you care; it breaks up the routine of hospital. Whether they can manage a weekend away, afternoon tea in a pretty place, or a dinner at El Mercado, it all makes a difference. Responses to treatment can be unpredictable, so please understand if they have to cancel or they don’t have a lot of conversation or they are not as fun as usual.

3. Put yourself in your friend’s shoes. What they’re going through should be at the forefront of your mind when you’re together. At this period of life, empathy is a trait you really want to keep close. Offer genuine empathy, but not sympathy. People feel worse when they’re being treated like a charity project instead of a human who is facing an obstacle.

You want to be the perfect cancer patient friend? Easy! Be you, engaging, understanding, entertaining, and empathetic. They know that nobody is perfect and people around mean well and want what is best for them. Words and actions don’t always come easily for the one trying to help, when emotions and anxiety are running high, but don’t worry, they’ve likely either never noticed or have already forgotten the error in manners, because they’re busy with planning their survival.

Please take care!

Related Posts:

What to say when someone break the news?

Part 2: What cancer taught me?

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